Subway Moments: The Mumbly Guy and the Zombie Apocalypse

My commute this morning was longer than the usual 25 minute ride due to some malfunction between 72nd and 59th Streets. So for 20 minutes we sat there waiting in the darkened tunnel for something, anything, to happen. Most of this time I spent reading Kathy Griffin's book but part of my mind was paying attention to the mumbly man sitting next to me.

Since 168th Street he had been sitting next to me quietly talking to himself and seemingly very engaged in some sort of argument with one of, what could have been, many voices in his head. He'd fidget back and forth, his dirty North Face coat bumping me slightly as his disagreement continued on unintelligibly.

The only five words that I was able to ascertain from his garbled diatribe were:

1. subway
2. vibrations
3. happy
4. zombie
5. apocalypse

The first three seemed to go together, which is disconcerting enough and might explain his squirming back and forth. The last two were said together and seemed to instill him with abject fear... which got me to thinking:

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen I would definitely not want to be stuck underground in a subway car!

Let's imagine for a moment that you are trapped in a subway car, deep inside a tunnel, the power has probably gone out because, for whatever reason, zombies seem to be able to cut the power whenever they appear in movies. So it is dark, your surrounded by other people who are going to panic, and the doors are probably locked shut since there's no power to crank them open again.

Now, let's say a zombie gets on the train and, in the ensuing chaos, bites someone. This is going to happen... it's just too likely that someone is going to be idiotic enough to get caught by one of these slowly moving monstrosities (I'm assuming of course that the zombies will be like those in a Roger Corman film and not the super-sonic runners in modern takes like 28 Days Later).


As Hollywood has taught us, being bitten by a zombie is a sure way to become a zombie yourself. So now there are two zombies. And those two zombies will bite people as they crawl through the car and eventually make their way through this horrifying smörgåsbord to you.

Rationally, if a zombie got in the car you could get out. They aren't smart enough (in theory) to unlock a door, open it and lock it behind them, so in theory you could leave the same way they got in. But that's assuming you could get past them. But even if you got out of the car you'd then be in a dark tunnel and have no sense of who might be right next to you. There's very little light down there when a train isn't barreling through the passage so it is quite possible that millions of zombies have fallen down into the tracks and are ready to devour you. Unless you have some super-human skills or are as clever scripted as the Hollywood action hero... you're probably going to be either a zombie or zombie food if you're stuck in the tunnel.

All of this ridiculous worry rushed through my head in a matter of seconds and all because of the mumbly man next to me who spoke, albeit briefly and incoherently, about a zombie apocalypse while I was riding the subway with him. This might be a form of hypochondria so that I took on some of his "crazy" as another person might assume they had a cold because the person next to them sneezed.

So here's hoping we avoid a zombie apocalypse completely... and if we do someday I pray I'm not on the train. Just seems like a bad idea all over.

Baring it all in NYC

Yesterday, while walking back from a quick trip to the 34th Street Duane Reade, my friend Ginger and I were witness to something I didn't think occurred in New York City any longer.  Sure, back in the 70s and even up into the early 90s, you might see sights like this on any street in Manhattan.  But the city has tamed itself as time has gone by and while there are still homeless people, questionable (if not downright criminal) street vendors (anyone want a Parada Purse or a Birking Bag?) running into this moment was completely unexpected.

On a day that was otherwise sallow and void of entertainment the Universe smiled down on us in the visage of a middle-aged woman in fur.  Her blonde hair was fried from years of over-treatment and the Farrah cut was clearly from a time gone by.  Her fur coat ran in brown and grey streaks to her ankles and her conservative black pumps clicked awkwardly across the icy sidewalk.  She walked briskly as though she was expected somewhere and seemed oblivious to the crowd around her... very New York of her.

But as she approached us, crossing the street toward us as we crossed toward her, a miracle of hilarity took place as a gust of wind whipped up and blew her fur coat open revealing the complete lack of armor underneath.  Two globulous orbs of middle-aged flesh exposed themselves, pointed and pert in the frigid air.  Stunned, Ginger and I stared.  Hours seemed to pass by in what was merely seconds and I found myself shaking my head "no, no, no" while Ginger flashed red and put her head to her chest to hide the laughter that was erupting from within. The bossomy miss gathered her coat together, not quickly as though from embarrassment but with consideration and care from the fact that she was cold and wanted to ensure that her chest be kept free from the icy chill.

"Did that...?" Ginger began.

"Yes, yes it did."  I replied.

"But..." Ginger tried again.

"I know."

"Let's just enjoy the moment." We agreed.

What had begun as a bleak and dreary Thursday had turned into a scrumptious feast of hilarity thanks to the button-less wonder.  So, here's to you Universe!  You know just how to turn a frown upside down... and it is all in the shared amusement of accidental exposure by two friends.

Too Darned Hot or A Tropical Heatwave!

When Cole Porter wrote these words in 1948 did he know that he would be cursing us to one of the most miserably hot summers we've seen since 1999 (yeah, not as impressive as "not since the summer of aught nine" but still).


"Too Darned Hot" performed by the 2002 UK cast of Kiss Me, Kate.

Between the melting asphalt and the reflective glass walls of the city's skyscrapers it can feel well above 100 degrees out.  I think Miss Piggy says it best (sorry Mr. Porter).

How to Start a Bad Day

First, awake from a fitful sleep and dreams (to use the term loosely) that you've already dressed, been to work, had a long day and then been late coming home.

Second, stay groggy.  It's a great way to get motivated to maneuver the challenges that lay before you.

Third, climb onto the train but make sure that the train hasn't come for a long while, that way it is exquisitely packed with the hordes of folks on their way to various jobs or schools.

Fourth, after a tumultuous, thrashing ride, squeeze through the doors and up the stairs into the brisk April air of Times Square and lumber down the street to the gym

Fifth, realize as you enter the gym that you've forgotten your keys and then be rejected from the facility (just in case you are your evil twin bent on destruction).

Sixth, give up on the gym and go on to work... it's not like you can go home without keys anyway.

Seventh, realize that through it all, you still can't believe you are here and love this city and your job regardless of the (sometimes constant) headaches you face.

And now... to actually start the rest of the day.  Enjoy!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/aturkus/ / CC BY 2.0

Snowpocalypse 2010!

So, the "impending blizzard" finally hit today.  Not so much a blizzard as it was a really awesome snow.  Ground is thoroughly covered but when I think blizzard I think carving your way out the front door with a spatula.  This was just enough snow to be fun to look at and not too dangerous to trudge through.  See example below in the video.  Now, as beautiful as it is and as much as I love snow... I would like for summer to hit now.  Right now.

After a nice walk in the park

Spring hit NYC in the face today (although according to Al Roker, it will not last). But for now it is 77* out and gorgeous!
Mother Nature inspired me and I sprung to action - did some house cleaning, laundry, yada yada until I felt like the house itself has rebirthed and felt much more fresh and comfortable. Then, somehow still having a bounty of energy to burn, Joxer and I took off to Fort Tryon park. Photos courtesy of NYC Dept. of Parks and Recreation.

It's unquestionably one of the most beautiful parks in the city and offers one of the highest altitudes (natural of course) in the city.

Joxer is an old man in dog years but he loved prancing around and seeing the sights - the views along the Hudson are amazing and the Heather Garden is coming into full bloom. But he does get tired as the day goes on and especially on a walk where he's excited to see dozens of other dogs out enjoying the warm weather.

So, after about 30 minutes we wound our way down the north end of the park and came back to Broadway. Its such a big difference 10 feet in either direction. To the west you have this beautifully landscaped hideaway in Upper Manhattan... to the east you have a 99Cent Store, laundromat, nail salon and check cashing service. Hmm.

How did the walk turn out? Joxer passed out next to Pinter and slept the afternoon away. This is the definition of "tuckered out".

Oh the rain rain rain came down down down...

It is a gross 46 degrees out and the rain is doing its drizzly business - where it isn't quite horrible enough to pelt you with globs of wet but not just gray and moist. The most frustrating thing about rain in NYC is that the foot traffic doesn't diminish just because of April showers. No. The foot traffic remains and slows to a crawl while people have umbrellas batterings your eyes, ears and temples from every direction.

This is the danger in being over 6' tall in the city. Everyone else is smaller and has no idea that they are impaling you with their street vendor, $5 black umbrellas.

It also brings a "slow motion" to the city once you are safe indoors. The world seems to grind as usually hurried workers lose their gumption.

I liken it to when your jeans gets soaked when you're running outside in a thunderstorm. The denim gets heavy, clings to your legs, feels slump and useless. That's what I think happens to a lot of NYers when the rain rain rain comes down down down.

So the goal today... eat something warm and tasty and see if that peps things up. I will be the champion of change in this sluggish day.

And we're back...

So... back to this blog business. I've been in NYC for just almost three weeks now... which is ironically about how long I have not been actively blogging. So updates:

Had a birthday on Sunday... it was great. I spent the day with great friends, had good times, and enjoyed every minute of it. I also got a great care package from Ren today which made me happy and I, of course, showed off to my office mates. Not in the "you didn't get a package so I'm better than you" kinda way... but in the "I'm lucky to have amazing people in my life" kinda way.

Ok, enough sap... we also had our first set of auditions today for UNDERWEAR: A SPACE MUSICAL today. I could only be present for the last hour but I was thrilled to see some great talent come out way. It'll be interesting to see how the creative team makes their decision.

Speaking of auditions, I've been addicted to LEGALLY BLONDE: THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT ELLE WOODS. It's so juicy and I just can't stop watching. It also makes me want to throw on some pink houndstooth, some highlights (ok, full on blonde) and storm the stage. But... that just isn't reasonable... and they're about to announce who leaves tonight so I gotta scoot! More later!!!

A Road Movie... sans the "movie"

So, next week I head out for the long trek to NYC. All told, it's a 16 hour and 10 minute drive (according to the "totally reliable" Google Maps). Ren (thank God for him) is coming with to keep me company, keep me sane, share the burden... lol... THANK YOU REN! It'll be a nutty, wild trip and hopefully the world will not open up and swallow us whole like that time the interstate collapsed and I drove into a sink hole. I'll tell that story soon... no worries. If you know it already, go ahead and laugh. It's ok to laugh NOW.

So, the cats are going to stay with my mom until I secure my own place. For the time being I'll be subletting in Washington Heights... "In the heights I buy my coffee and I go..." It's a great apartment and I'll be surrounded by friends (thank God). And luckily, in case my lips ever blow up again (see my Jessica Rabbit moment to the side) there's a hospital down in the 160s that Adam can rush me to. Perfect! Ciao for now! Wish me luck!